A few weeks a go I woke up fat. Yes, yes, I knew I needed to lose some weight, say 10 or 20 lbs, but I didn’t know I was fat. Off I went for my annual physical check up and they put me on a scale and ….shock of all shocks …. I was FAT. Like many more pounds than I ever imagined possible. Okay, now I have to get serious about this but lucky for me, I live in L.A. There’s a new diet every day to keep everyone looking rail thin in real life, but good on camera. This new diet I found matches your blood type with your food type. Everyone swears by it, the pounds are dropping off all over LA even as I write. Okay, I want to look like those people on the diet so here I am, on the bloody diet. For the past two weeks I’ve eaten nothing but a select group of veggies, a select group of fruits, any kind of rice and a select group of fish. No salmon, for example. No tomatoes, oranges, blackberries, cucumber, etc., but I can eat a lot of stuff I hadn’t heard of before. Never mind know how to cook. Apparently my blood type doesn’t like dairy products either. Nor sugar. Nor wheat.
I’m losing weight, it’s dropping off, my belt is two notches tighter, my jeans are falling off …. well, almost …. and I am happily skipping through life knowing the pounds are falling off, I’m practically anorexic! I don’t have a scale so yesterday I schlepped off to Pasadena to my sister’s house to weigh in. Yaaaaay, I’ll see the proof that 10 or 20 lbs have gone, happily happily I sang as I drove over there. Moment of truth …. three pounds! Three f*%^ing pounds. Well, almost three pounds, two point eight to be exact. Bleh. But I’m not to worry, everyone who’s been on the diet tells me, in my fourth week I’ll just drop 30 lbs. Okay, I can wait another week to see what happens. More later.
And then, to make matters worse, Sunday morning (today) is bagels and lox (smoked salmon) brunch at my friend Steve’s house, but first I drove to Koreatown to pick up the best croissants in town at Paris Baguette. Yup, best French croissants are found in Koreatown!
(I had to put the box of pastries in the trunk so that my arms couldn’t reach them as I drove to the brunch where I got to watch everyone enjoy them!) yuck yuck yuck …. can’t wait to lose 150 million pounds so I can start eating again.